BAK
JF-Expert Member
- Feb 11, 2007
- 124,789
- 288,011
| In love, it's about teamwork | Send to a friend |
| Saturday, 02 June 2012 12:50 |
digg
By Cuthbert Mahimbo It is said that women are strong. Politicians and female activists even go further to say that educating a girl is educating the nation. In today's world, women are front-runners in every field, steering movements and leading campaigns. East Africa is gradually maturing in their feminist movements and by far, women have made huge steps in politics and leadership. However, when it comes to relationships a womanis weak as a baby (mhhh!).The African culture is not making it any easier for the womenfolk; the reigning streaks of patriarchy have enclosed women inside a thorny ground making it impossible for them to dance freely to the tune of sex. They say that a woman is born shy and one who is not, is a witch. Following these stereotypical trends, many women are ‘okay' with the status quo in the bedroom. They are afraid of taking their creativity to the next level lest they be branded bad names. On the flip side are men, hands on captains, navigating the sex ship to a destination of their choice. And all this because women are afraid of complaining when it hurts, or when they don't quite get there. Sex talk is a taboo in the African culture. Being open about it and to a man, be he your husband or partner is out of this world. Going round in circles Caroline, 29, a mother of two and an entrepreneur based in Dar es Salaam explains the circles she had to go through to fully enjoy her conjugal rights. Six months into marriage, poor Caroline was tormented by the lousy show from her husband. "I couldn't tell my husband straight to his face that he wasn't satisfying me sexually. So, I sent the complaints to my mother-in-law who had a chat with my father-in-law. He must have shared some techniques with his son, because there was noted improvement in the performance," says Caroline who admits that speaking to her husband directly would have ruined their marriage. Making room for ‘side dishes' However, not so many women have Caroline's courage to share such deep bedroom secrets. Thousands of women suffer quietly inside the four walls, for years with no one to confide in. Others talk to friends who offer misleading advice like finding a mpango wa kando (man on the side) to quench their thirst. Richard Mozat*, 27, an accountant in Dar es Salaam has been having a clandestine affair with someone's wife. The woman gets everything from her marriage apart from sexual satisfaction. "Our affair kicked off as a joke but it ended up in bed. The woman couldn't stop thanking me for making her feel like a brand new woman. She asked me on the spot to be ‘helping her out' whenever she was in need. My woman friend, cannot face her husband and ask him to up his game," says Mozat*. It is true that many women who cheat on their husbands do so because their men do not satisfy them in that horizontal indulgence. Some women are willing to part with big amounts of money in exchange for the ‘satisfaction'. Marriage-fixing tool Zelfa Hamis famously known as Aunt Zelfa is a marriage trainer. Brides-to-be learn from her how to take care of their husbands and protect their marriages. She has been doing the job for almost fifteen years now and she says sex is an important aspect in any relationship. According to Zelfa, many women fail to recognize sex as an important tool in marriage. Since she is a sex guru, it doesn't surprise her when women open up to her regarding their sexually unfulfilled lives. Surprisingly, the women who complain about getting a raw deal from their husbands admit to shying away from talking it out with their partners. "It is natural that African women are shy and they can't tell their men what they want in bed but I always advise them on how to handle the issue," says Aunt Zelfa. The marriage trainer says that sex is not something an African woman can discuss with a man. But if push comes to shove, and a relationship is at risk, some rules might have to be broken. "Sometimes, I advise women to intoxicate themselves with alcohol (Mhhh!)before sex, so that they can be courageous enough to tell their men how they want it," she says.The mother of three is fully against infidelity in marriage as it brings in more complexities like diseases and emotional strains. "Sex is sweeter when done with someone you love. Discussing how best to enjoy it is the only way out," says Zelfa. Men aren't mind readers At the back of a man's mind when making love, he wants to please himself as much as he wants to please his partner. He is proud when the woman dances to his tune without ‘faking it'. But if a woman has never really gotten there, and she doesn't talk about it, men do not turn into some breed of mind-reading angels. You have to express your personal desires or sexual needs to fully enjoy the ride. But many women accuse men of being selfish in the bedroom. They say that some men use women as motionless sex objects, which can be switched on and off at will. "A man walks into a room, five minutes later, he wants it. No discussions about it because he is your husband," says Imelda a 28-year-old woman from Dar es Salaam. Zablon Macha, a married man living in the capital admits that some men can be selfish and cruel when it comes to sex. The 36-year-old father of two says men don't like being challenged especially in bed. Their ego doesn't allow it. According to Zablon, a woman who goes graphic in her description of how she likes it done makes the man feel inferior. Some men may even overreact to such situations. "A real man is polite and sensitive to the sexual needs of his woman," he says. Though he does not want to reveal the secret behind his blissful marriage, Macha says he and his wife converse before, during and after the act. "I ask her what she enjoyed the most and how she wants it improved next time. This candid talk ensures that I give her maximum satisfaction each time," reveals Macha who adds that it is up to men to get their women to speak out on their sexual desires. woman@thecitizen.co.tz This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it |
