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Ijumaa jokes..........Smile & Laugh

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by Masikini_Jeuri, Jul 2, 2010.

  1. Masikini_Jeuri

    Masikini_Jeuri JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Jul 2, 2010
    Joined: Jan 19, 2010
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    SUPPORT A FAMILY


    THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE
    SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO
    SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR
    YOURSELVES."



    Irish Virginity Test Kit


    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his
    doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a
    Do-It-Yourself shop.
    A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'The doc replied, 'Be...fore the wedding night, you paint
    one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says,
    "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her
    with the shovel.'



    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can
    be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
    ...God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



    VIRGIN BRIDE


    The bride tells her husband,"Honey,you know I'am a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.Can you explain it to me first".

    "Ok,Sweetheart.Putting it simply,we'll call your private place "the prison" and call my private place "prisoner"in the prison.
    ...And then they made love for the first time .


    Afterwards,the guy is lying face up on the bed,smiling with satisfaction.Nudging him,his bride giggles,"Honey the prisoner seem to have escaped.Turning on his side,he smile,"Then we'll have to re-imprison hin.After the second time they spent,the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love,gives him a suggestive smile,"Honey the prisoner is out again!".The man rises to the occasion but whit the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.


    Afterwards,he lays back on the bed,totally exhausted.She nudges him and says,"Honey the prisoner escaped again".Limply turning his head,he YELLS At her,"Hey its not a life sentence O00KKAAYYYY!".


    CUSTODIAN BATTLE

    A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their
    children posed a problem.

    The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
    brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
    ...
    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his

    justification.

    After a long silence,
    the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

    "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes
    out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"


    Questions & Answers for real fun
    Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
    A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

    Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
    A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman
    you fix your legs & move your ass.

    Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
    A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

    Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
    A: Because they are tired of using their own.

    Q: What's common between men and video?
    A: Both go backward... forward.... backward... forward... backward....
    forward... stop and eject.

    Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
    A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
    doesn't come means you are in big trouble

    Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
    A: A teabag.

    * 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
    Beautiful,
    Responsible
    Energetic
    Adorable
    Sweet
    Truthful and
    Self-Organized.
    In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S

    Q: Who is a gynecologist?
    A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place,
    where most people find pleasure.

    Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
    A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

    Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
    A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby
    looks like neighbour, then it is sociology.

    Q: What's the height of recycling?
    A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

    Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day as
    I have advised?
    Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

    * Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
    enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
    The boy's hand.......

    * Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
    removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
    Tarzan asked "Why"?
    The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"

    Last but not least
    Secret of long life...
    Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night between two legsĀ…
     
  2. D

    Diana-DaboDiff JF-Expert Member

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    Jul 2, 2010
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    That quality of a good wife must be right because when talking to a man his eyes are always looking a bit lower than the chin.
     
  3. Obuntu

    Obuntu JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Jul 2, 2010
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    DDD,

    I missed you so much - umepotelea wapi?
    Anyways, Ijumaa njema
     
  4. Masikini_Jeuri

    Masikini_Jeuri JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Jul 2, 2010
    Joined: Jan 19, 2010
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    Righto...DD:A S tongue:
     
  5. D

    Diana-DaboDiff JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Jul 2, 2010
    Joined: Jul 13, 2009
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    Thanx,nimejaa tele humu.
     
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