Dismiss Notice
You are browsing this site as a guest. It takes 2 minutes to CREATE AN ACCOUNT and less than 1 minute to LOGIN

How do you break up with your lover?

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by donlucchese, Apr 23, 2011.

  1. donlucchese

    donlucchese JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 23, 2011
    Messages: 6,008
    Likes Received: 871
    Trophy Points: 280
    hello wakuu,its ma hope everyone is ok. Am gonna go straight to the topic. Sometimes it happens that you can no longer feel passion/love to your lover. So how can you put an end to the relationship without hurting him/her? Coz sometimes you find out that u thought u were inlove only to find out it was a lust but that person is truly in love with u. So how do u say its over without hurting tha person? Help plz!
     
  2. Lizzy

    Lizzy JF-Expert Member

    #2
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: May 25, 2009
    Messages: 22,194
    Likes Received: 122
    Trophy Points: 160
    Hamna njia unayoweza kutumia kumwacha mtu ambae anakupenda asiumie!Unachoweza kufanya ni kumhakikishia kwamba it's all for her/his best!Hakikisha kwanza kwamba huna hisia tena ili usimpeleke huku na kule mwenzako!Baada ya kuhakikisha kwamba huna hisia nae tena kua mkweli mwambie huna hisia nae tena na hutaki kumpotezea muda wake kwa kusubiria hisia usizojua zitarudi lini.Atalia..mbembeleze!Atakasirika..mvumilie!Ataumia..mpe moyo kwamba anastahili kupendwa na kuendelea nae utakua humtendei haki!
     
  3. Gaga

    Gaga JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Jan 6, 2011
    Messages: 4,564
    Likes Received: 15
    Trophy Points: 0
    Contrary to popular belief, it is actually possible to end a relationship without hurting the other person's feelings in the process. The problem, however, is that the process is a long one and requires a level of personal integrity and absolute honesty most people are unable to muster.

    Ideally your relationship is one where honesty and open communication is not a problem, and where a desire for the other person's happiness is the most important objective of the relationship for each party involved. So long as you are fortunate enough to have found such a relationship with someone, and consider yourself lucky if you have, you have everything you need in order to end the relationship gracefully while sparing the other person's feelings.

    The first order of business will be to determine for yourself exactly why it is that you want to end the relationship. Is it because you feel stagnant? Are you afraid of commitment? Are you interested in exploring opportunities with other people that require you to be a little less attached? Whatever you reason, be sure you know what it is and be prepared to articulate it to your (soon to be) ex.

    The next thing you need to do is to wait. That's right, you heard me. You need to wait. Never make a drastic decision like this without giving it serious thought - and that means give it some time to contemplate what it is you really need and whether or not a break-up is the best way to accomplish it.

    In many cases it may not be, although it may take talking with your partner to realize that. So, after some time of contemplation if you still believe you might need to make this decision, it is time to approach your partner and talk about it. Do not wait to have this conversation for too long, as denial and resentment can end up causing far more problems in the long run.

    Since you two have that open and honest relationship with each other, this part will actually be the easiest part of the break-up. You start by talking about how you are currently feeling. You explain what it is that is lacking and why it is that you need to make a change. What you do not do is make any unilateral decisions without discussing and arriving at the conclusion together that's how you got into this relationship, and leaving it should be no less respectful and cooperative. If you have the right type of relationship and you have initiated this process before making a final decision, you end up in a wonderful situation of being able to leave the door open for what u've actually need
     
  4. itnojec

    itnojec JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 31, 2011
    Messages: 2,171
    Likes Received: 197
    Trophy Points: 160
    gaga, me like that...ngoja nianze kwa huyu
     
  5. Gaga

    Gaga JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Jan 6, 2011
    Messages: 4,564
    Likes Received: 15
    Trophy Points: 0
    Right now everything inside of you is saying "What?!", and for good reason! This advice goes against all the standard "breakup code" instructions we have all heard our entire lives. There is a reason for that, and it is because those standard instructions are wrong. The reality is, and you know this if you are honest with yourself, we can never know what our future holds for us. This person, who is not right for us today, may end up being right for us tomorrow and vice versa. I have known many couples who dated on and off for a number of years before finally taking the plunge and getting married - and are still married to this day. Who is to say the same cannot happen for you even if you are not able to see it at this moment? So be open and honest, and never close a door when it is not necessary.

    Make sure you are not telling that person that they are losing you so much as altering the way in which you interrelate. You are not saying you do not want to still go out on a date, and you are not saying that you would not enjoy some physical intimacy from time to time if the mood strikes just right, but what you do need is some distance in the relationship itself. That is something very different than the standard break-up. If you were honest enough with yourself to get to this point earlier rather than later, you will not yet have reached the point of needing complete separation from the other person.

    The majority of break-ups result in both people going their separate ways, often with the expense of deep emotional pain and regret. By moving a step backward in the relationship to casually dating instead of completely gutting the relationship, you end up in a much better situation that allows the slow mutual separation to occur if that is where it needs to go. This period allows you to go back to exploring what it was that brought you together in the first place without requiring any serious commitment as you pursue whatever it was you needed that got you here. Often you will find you both prefer the change. You get to have your cake and eat it, too so long as you were able to be honest enough with yourself early enough in the process to be able to take this step backward before you've decided you need to cut all ties.


    Avoid saying anything trite like "let's just be friends", or "it's not you, it's me". Avoid menial excuses, and without hesitation be sure to answer questions with honesty
     
  6. Gaga

    Gaga JF-Expert Member

    #6
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Jan 6, 2011
    Messages: 4,564
    Likes Received: 15
    Trophy Points: 0
    Be sure you answer question with honest and clarity no matter how difficult or painful it may be to keep that level of honesty even if it means you're afraid your partner might not understand or might try to convince you otherwise. If you are ending or changing things without knowing what you want, if you withhold the truth from your partner, or you exclude your partner from the decision-making process you will end up getting stuck here and will produce an immeasurable and unnecessary pain. Always be honest first with yourself and then with your partner no matter what.



    Never try to ease the situation by sugar-coating the facts or lying about what the real reason is - that will not make you feel any better and both you and your ex will be robbed of the chance to grow from the truth of what brought you to this point. That opportunity for growth often times can be the difference between a final split and a reunification. If done patiently, with care, and with openness to the natural course of events (rather than a forced one) it can easily result with a mutual growth and a final split that is welcomed rather than feared leaving you both in a better place for your next relationship than you otherwise would have been, and certainly sparing any Rebound Guys/Girls to boot!

    The most important thing you can do while you are having this conversation is to make sure you have not put up any walls to your partner, and that you are being emotionally honest. That means that if you feel like crying cry. If you feel like holding his/her hand while talking then do so. Be who you are and be honest, but be clear and decisive with what it is you need. Because of the sort of relationship you have had with this person, knowing that you need something to change in order to be happy is all that will matter to your partner. Knowing this is not the final end of your relationship, but simply a change to the status quo will make that transition much easier and if done properly can definitely end up in a mutually pain-free split.




    By taking a step back rather than unnecessarily gutting the relationship you get your freedom without losing your friendship and your partner gains an opportunity to grow while still having hope for the future. It's a win for both of you and no one was devastated in the process.
     
  7. Gaga

    Gaga JF-Expert Member

    #7
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Jan 6, 2011
    Messages: 4,564
    Likes Received: 15
    Trophy Points: 0
    Haya kitabu kizima hicho angaika nacho
     
  8. itnojec

    itnojec JF-Expert Member

    #8
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 31, 2011
    Messages: 2,171
    Likes Received: 197
    Trophy Points: 160
    gaga ni mkali, big up mdada
     
  9. AshaDii

    AshaDii Platinum Member

    #9
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Apr 16, 2011
    Messages: 16,200
    Likes Received: 156
    Trophy Points: 160
    Gaga me like, wil definately serv 4 future use.
     
  10. Gaga

    Gaga JF-Expert Member

    #10
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Jan 6, 2011
    Messages: 4,564
    Likes Received: 15
    Trophy Points: 0
    This is how we help each other
     
  11. D

    Dungu Member

    #11
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Apr 23, 2011
    Messages: 9
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Jinsi gani mimi breakup na lover? Hmm kufanya hivyo njia sahihi babe! Kuwaambia kwake kwamba si furaha na kwake ....
     
  12. Nyamayao

    Nyamayao JF-Expert Member

    #12
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Jan 22, 2009
    Messages: 6,981
    Likes Received: 20
    Trophy Points: 0
    kuwa kweli? tayari umeshaamuumiza vya kutosha, hakuna njia icyoumiza utakayoweza utengane/kuachana na akupendae bila kumuumiza....lazima ataumia tu....
     
  13. Lizzy

    Lizzy JF-Expert Member

    #13
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: May 25, 2009
    Messages: 22,194
    Likes Received: 122
    Trophy Points: 160
    Yeah lazima aumie mtoto wa watu!Ila bora leo kuliko mwakani...ukubwa wa kisu unaongeza ukubwa wa jeraha!
     
  14. donlucchese

    donlucchese JF-Expert Member

    #14
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 23, 2011
    Messages: 6,008
    Likes Received: 871
    Trophy Points: 280
    best advce,thax sis!
     
  15. donlucchese

    donlucchese JF-Expert Member

    #15
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 23, 2011
    Messages: 6,008
    Likes Received: 871
    Trophy Points: 280
    true words spoken,cudn agree less
     
  16. Lizzy

    Lizzy JF-Expert Member

    #16
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: May 25, 2009
    Messages: 22,194
    Likes Received: 122
    Trophy Points: 160
    Karibu mpendwa hati breka!
     
  17. jockey emmanuel

    jockey emmanuel JF-Expert Member

    #17
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 23, 2011
    Messages: 330
    Likes Received: 1
    Trophy Points: 0
    Ukweli unabaki palepale kuwa unapomuacha mtu anayekupenda lazma aumie....tc hard to get a way ambayo haitamuumiza.....
     
  18. donlucchese

    donlucchese JF-Expert Member

    #18
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 23, 2011
    Messages: 6,008
    Likes Received: 871
    Trophy Points: 280
    daah,gaga z one hell of a psychologist!
     
  19. donlucchese

    donlucchese JF-Expert Member

    #19
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 23, 2011
    Messages: 6,008
    Likes Received: 871
    Trophy Points: 280
    maneno yako yananifanya nakosa rahaaa na mawazooo....
     
  20. Freema Agyeman

    Freema Agyeman JF-Expert Member

    #20
    Apr 23, 2011
    Joined: Mar 3, 2011
    Messages: 2,800
    Likes Received: 781
    Trophy Points: 280
    Take time to study each other before you start a relationship. By this you can easily know if what you have between you 2 is love or lust, thus avoid hurting one feelings.
     
Loading...