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Going thru Divorce

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Mbu, May 12, 2009.

  1. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

    #1
    May 12, 2009
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    ...kama kuzungumzia siku utayokufa, ngoja leo nilete 'uchuro' kuzungumzia (iwapo itatokea) mas'ala ya kuachana/kutalikiana. katika pita pita zangu kwenye magazeti ya leo, nimekutana na mawaidha haya, si vibaya nika share nanyi;

    Manage your emotions: This is the most important thing -particularly managing your anger. It's OK to let your child know it's a difficult and painful time for you, too, but remember strong emotions can frighten a child.
    Your children need to know the world is still a safe place where their needs will be met.
    One of the most destructive things you can do is blame your partner. It's essential the kids know they can continue to have a good relationship with both of you.

    Break the news together: Parents should tell the children together wherever possible. Timing and sensitivity are crucial. Once the decision is final and you've got a rough idea of how and when changes will happen, sit down together and explain.
    They don't need to know the ins and outs of why you've broken up, but they do need to know you are still committed to them, even if you're no longer partners.

    Children's reactions vary depending on their age and personality. For all, there will be a huge sense of shock, confusion and anxiety. They may also be angry.
    Be ready to answer their questions as honestly as possible and make sure they know they can come to you whenever they need to.

    Reassure, reassure, reassure: Children of all ages need to know that the separation is not their fault and that neither of you will stop loving them or leave them.
    They need to be given confidence about new living arrangements and know that it's OK for them to keep on loving both of you.

    It's essential that parents realise divorce is not a one-off event for children but a decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives. That means the reassurance needs to continue over the coming months and years.

    Maintain routines and boundaries: External routines can help to minimise internal turmoil. Therefore, where possible, keep life the same as it has been bedtimes and mealtimes, brushing teeth and going to school.
    Regressing to an earlier stage of development is common for younger children and older ones may be more challenging than usual. Accept these changes as normal but support and encourage your children to get back on track as soon as they're ready.

    Establish regular contact: This is important, as soon as possible, especially for younger children who will find long separation difficult. As well as face-to face contact, agree regular phone times or use text and email.
    Many children will feel insecure about contact at first and lateness or cancellations can easily be taken as rejection, so never let your kids down unless it's absolutely unavoidable.

    Become a co-operative co-parent: If you've always argued about the children, then co-operative parenting may be harder than ever. But, for many, once the tensions of the relationship come to an end, it can be easier to both focus on what's best for the kids.

    Try to keep in regular contact with each other to discuss parenting concerns and plans, and never use your children as go-betweens. Even relaying simple, practical information can soon become a burden.
     
  2. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

    #2
    May 12, 2009
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    ...hivi kwanini inapotokea wawili kuachana, la kwanza analokimbilia mwanamke ni kuchukua wanawe?
     
  3. Pretty

    Pretty JF-Expert Member

    #3
    May 13, 2009
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    Mtoto ni wa mama siku zote. Ndio maana watu wanapenda mama zao zaidi kuliko baba zao. Mwanamke anakimbilia kuchukua wanawe kwa kuwa ndio mwenye uchungu na watoto.
    Nani kama mama.
    Uchungu wa mwana, ajuaye mama.
     
  4. MwanaFalsafa1

    MwanaFalsafa1 JF-Expert Member

    #4
    May 13, 2009
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    Siyo kweli watoto wote humpenda mama kuliko baba hiyo ina tegemeana. Kusema watu wote hupenda mama zao ni makosa kwa sababu kupenda ni feeling not a matter of fact so huwezi kuwa semea wengine labada useme wewe binafsi unampenda mama ako kuliko baba ako. Najua watu wengi sana ambao waku karibu zaidi na baba kuliko mama.

    Watoto huchukuliwa na mama mara nyingi kwa sababu sheria za ndoa huwa zipo upande wa mama zaidi Kwa maana hiyo baba mpaka kuchukua watoto itokee imeonekana kwamba mama ata shindwa kuwalea. na mara nyingi watoto wanao chukuliwa na mama ni wale wadogo. Watoto wakubwa kiasi utakuta wa kike wanaenda kwa mama na wakiume kwa baba.
     
  5. Nyamayao

    Nyamayao JF-Expert Member

    #5
    May 13, 2009
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    nikifikiria may b mr anaweza kuoa tena, then huyo mama akae na wanangu! hapana, lazima niwachukue, wanawake wachache sana watakaa na watoto wasio wao kwa mapenzi! vinginevyo ni tabu/mateso, sasa kwanini yote haya yawatokee wanangu na mama nipo?
     
  6. D

    Dina JF-Expert Member

    #6
    May 13, 2009
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    Mimi nafikiri kumsaidia baba watoto, bora niende na watoto...kwa sababu kama leo hii napigiwa simu popote nilipo nielezee kipimo cha dawa ya kumnywesha mtoto (which I believe mtu angeweza kusoma kwenye instructions juu ya box la dawa!)....nisipokuwepo kweli mtoto atakunywa dawa? Nafikiri ni vyema nikalee mtoto mpaka atakapokuwa na akili ya kujitutumua mwenyewe, then he/she will join the baba.
     
  7. Buswelu

    Buswelu JF-Expert Member

    #7
    May 13, 2009
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    Kuna watu toka wamezaliwa hawajawahi ona upendo wa mama....zaooo hao hawapo kwenye kundi la wanapenda wamama....so kuwa makini katika ku generaze mambo.
     
  8. Baba_Enock

    Baba_Enock JF-Expert Member

    #8
    May 13, 2009
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    Nyamayao

    nikifikiri may b mrs anaweza kuolewa tena, then huyo bwana akae na wanangu?
     
  9. Kiteitei

    Kiteitei JF-Expert Member

    #9
    May 13, 2009
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    [B]Break the news together:[/B] Parents should tell the children together wherever possible. Timing and sensitivity are crucial. Once the decision is final and you've got a rough idea of how and when changes will happen, sit down together and explain.
    They don't need to know the ins and outs of why you've broken up, but they do need to know you are still committed to them, even if you're no longer partners.


    kwa wabongo hapa patakuwa pagumu! ngumi, mateke na matusi yanaweza kutolewa mbele ya watoto! navyofahamu kuachana huwa inatokea pale mnaposhindwana aidha kitabia,kimahitaji,kimahusiano au vinginevyo, nimeshuhudia wenzetu wenye ngozi tofauti wakiachana kisha wanaendelea kuwa marafiki, tena marafiki haswaa! unaweza hata kumfuta mtalaka wako kwa ushauri na akakushauri bila kinyongo! HIVI ni kwa nini sisi tunashindwa hilo? kwetu mtalaka ni adui , tena adui mkubwa tuu.
     
  10. Masanja

    Masanja JF-Expert Member

    #10
    May 13, 2009
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    MBU haya mambo uliyoyaorodhesha hapa kwa kweli ni ya kizungu. Kwetu hapa ni ngumu. Ingawa siku hizi wasomi wetu hapa Africa wameshaiga...

    Unajua nadhani world wide waafrika na umasikini wetu na ujinga mwingine..bado tunaheshimu institution ya ndoa. Tofauti na wenzetu.

    Africa ukiolewa/ukioa unakuwa huna idea kwamba iko siku mtaachana. NA KAMA IKITOKEA BASI MTAACHANA SIO KWA MAKUBALIANO BALI KWA SABABU MMESHINDWANA AU KUNA TATIZO AMBALO CHANZO NI MMOJA WENU na hiyo huwezi kukaa chini eti mnaelezana. Sana sana baba atamfukuza mama/au mama ataamua kuondoka...

    Sadly, ndo globalization kila kitu siku hizi kimebadilika hata ndoa watu wanaitake easy tuu...Lakini naamini institution ya ndoa ni vyema ikaheshimika na wote..twaweza iga kila kitu..ila kuna vingine havifai kuigwa! Hata kama ndo empowerment yenyewe na human rights....HAVIFAI.

    Naomba waafrika tusifikie huko. We already have enough problems. Kama ikitokea mkaachana basi na iwe..ila siyo kui-simply marriage kama contract ya mda mfupi mtu anapojisikia basi anaondoka. NA LAZIMA TUJUE SISI WAAFRIKA WE ARE SO VULNERABLE kwa magonjwa kama AIDS na mengineyo. Tofauti na wenzetu. We should discourage divorce by all accounts!
     
  11. Masanilo

    Masanilo JF-Expert Member

    #11
    May 13, 2009
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    Hapa sikubaliani nawe homeboy....kama ndoa imeshindikana kabisa kuliko kuwa gerezani ni heri wanandoa wakakubaliana kupeana nafasi kila mtu aendelee na maisha yake...! Nina mifano hapa...kuna jamaa alikuwa na mkewe hawaongei almost two yrs kila mtu na hamsini zake ila wanaishi nyumba moja kila mtu na chumba chake ....hapo vipi?
     
  12. BelindaJacob

    BelindaJacob JF-Expert Member

    #12
    May 13, 2009
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    Mbu
    Mawaidha mazuri ila wanayaweza sana watasha na end of the day life goes on well maana watoto wanakuwa karibu na wazazi wote japo wamedivorce.

    I dont support divorce ila its a good thing sometimes because end of the day it is simply one of life lessons about marriage. Its worth it to be divorced than kuishi kama mmelazimishwa: no talking, no cooperation, no feelings to make love even time/motivation to work out your marriage when its in the rock.

    @Kids
    Any parent can stay with them, it depend on the agreement.Kuna babaz wazuri sana kulea watoto wao wasipokuwa na msaada wa mama zao and vice versa. Wakifikishana vyombo vya sheria then maamuzi yatatoka nani akae nao.
     
  13. Nyamayao

    Nyamayao JF-Expert Member

    #13
    May 13, 2009
    Joined: Jan 22, 2009
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    unajua Baba Enock mie hata nikiolewa tena upendo nilionao kwa mwanangu hauwezi kupotea/kupungua wala kuisha kamwe, tofauti ni kwamba mama ndio mara nyingi mlezi wa family, sasa kasheshe kwenye hayo malezi mwanamke mwenzangu atakayompa mwanangu, lazima yatakuwa tofauti na ya mie mama yake mzazi, kama nilivyosema ni wanawake wachache sana wenye kutunza kwa mapenzi watoto wasio wao wa kuwazaa.
     
  14. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

    #14
    May 13, 2009
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    sawa. Lakini je? Vipi kuhusiana na haki za baba, mama na watoto. Najua wanazuoni watasema Kitabu kitakatifu kimeyabainisha hayo, kabla hamjafika huko (kwani si wote mnaosimamia hilo), turudi kwenye reality.

    Ukishapinga suala la human rights, tayari unaleta athari kwa wahusika, au?
    Kwa muono wako, lipi halifai kuigwa inapokuja suala la kuachana!
     
  15. Yo Yo

    Yo Yo JF-Expert Member

    #15
    May 13, 2009
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    iam meeeee
     
  16. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

    #16
    May 13, 2009
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    kivipi na kwanini?

    ...unadhani ni kwanini mpaka wafikishane kwenye vyombo vya sheria?
     
  17. Masanilo

    Masanilo JF-Expert Member

    #17
    May 13, 2009
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    Mkuu ulinisoma jana kwenye PM yako?
     
  18. Yo Yo

    Yo Yo JF-Expert Member

    #18
    May 13, 2009
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    yah shem niliangusha gari mapema jana...
     
  19. Masanilo

    Masanilo JF-Expert Member

    #19
    May 13, 2009
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    Nyamayetu sorry spelling Nyamayao!

    Kuna tofauti sana kati ya mama na mzazi, mama anaweza kuwa hata Mbwa...lakini mzazi nitofauti...si kweli mama ndiye mlezi wa familia in all scenarios. Kama umeisha ona hii movie ya zamani kidogo inatwa When a Man Loves a Woman ilikuwa directed na Luis Mandoki na kuchezwa na Andy Garcia na Tina Majorino unaona yule mama alivyokuwa mlevi wa kutupwa hajali kabisa watoto! Hii ipo pia kwenye familia zetu nyingi kabisa unakuta mama ameamua kupigwa mikasi na kuwa mlevi ukigusia suala na kuachana wanakuwa wakali eti wao ni walezi wazuri kuliko kina baba thats I can not buy is crap idea. Kuna wazazi hulea watoto wa wenzao kuliko aliyewazaa bwana....kuna wamama (si wazazi) ni balaa hasa hufikia hata kufanyia vituko watoto wa kuwazaa wenyewe vituko kisa haelewani na baba yao....

    Nakupa offa uje tuone hii picha kwangu off course na Belinda akiwepo maana huwezi jua....labda utaondokana na wazo eti wakina mama wanalea vizuri kuliko kina baba....

    Masa
     
  20. BelindaJacob

    BelindaJacob JF-Expert Member

    #20
    May 13, 2009
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    Kihivi na sababu hii: Nimeona watu wengi wakienda cancelling mambo ya mahusiano na kama wakitaka kuachana kwa talaka wafanyaje tena kama wana kids na kuwashirikisha. I mean ni ngumu ila inaweza kuwa rahisi na mkabaki friends baada ya kutua mzigo kwenye maisha yenu.

    Kufikishana kwenye vyombo vya sheria inatokana na wengine kutalikiana kwa kushirikisha sheria huku mojawapo ya kitu muhimu ni malezi ya watoto(incase wanao)..Ina mana wenyewe binafsi wanandoa wameshindwa kukubali kuwa lea watoto ninatoa support nk kwahiyo wanabishana na kila mmoja akivuta watoto upande wake..

    Back to you: Wewe unaonaje?Watoto wakae na nani, mama au baba?Maana kuhusu kuoa/olewa tena kati ya hao wanandoa watakaoachana inaweza itokee au isitokee japokuwa lazima relationships watakuwa nazo na watu wengine watakaokutana nao maishani mwao tena.
     
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