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Dalili kwamba unajipendekeza kupita kiasi katika uhusiano….!

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Mtambuzi, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. Mtambuzi

    Mtambuzi Platinum Member

    #1
    Sep 9, 2012
    Joined: Oct 29, 2008
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    Ni kweli kwamba tunatakiwa kujitolea ili kujenga uhusiano imara na wenzi wetu. Tunaambiwa kwamba ili mapenzi yawe imara na yadumu inatupasa tusichoke kutoa, lakini kutoa huku kusiwe kwa upande mmoja, yaani kila mmoja ajitoe kwa mwenzie na hapo ndipo kila mmoja atakapofurahia uhusiano huo. Lakini pale ambapo upande mmoja ndio unajitolea kupita kiasi (hii huwa inawatokea wanawake) basi ujue huko sio kujitolea tena bali kuna utegemezi mkubwa sana wa kihisia (codependency) ambao niliwahi kuuzungumzia wakati fulani.

    Hapa chini nitazitaja baadhi ya dalili hizo:

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    Unakwepa kujaribu kutofautiana naye……

    Mojawapo ya dalili za mtu mwenye utegemezi wa kihisia ni kukwepa kutofautiana na mwenzi wake kwa gharama yoyote. Unaweza kudhani kwamba sio vyema kubishana wakati mwenzi wako anaposema jambo moja dogo ambalo kimsingi hukubaliani nalo na wewe ukaamua kumezea au kupotezea kama vijana wa siku hizi wanavyosema ili kuepusha shari. Lakini kumbuka kwamba kumezea kuna mipaka yake, kuna uwezekano mkubwa ukamfanya mwenzi wako akadhani kwamba unakubaliana naye kwa kila kitu, na kama sio mtu mwenye utambuzi, basi anaweza kujenga tabia ya udikteta na hiyo ikakutesa sana. Ni vyema kuwa sisi na kuzungumza kile tunachokijua na tunachokiamini ili wenzetu wajue kwamba na sisi ni binadamu tunaohitaji kusikilizwa kuliko kukaa kimya.....
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    Mnagombana kila siku….

    Lakini bado unaunga'ng'ania uhusiano huo… kwa nini uendelee kuishi kwenye uhusiano unaokutesa..? ni watu wenye utegemezi wa kihisia ndio pekee wanaoweza kuishi katika uhusiano wa aina hii. Kama una historia ya kuishi kwenye uhusiano unaokutesa kwa muda mrefu, basi jua ni kwa sababu unaogopa kusema bora yeshe. Mtu asiye na tabia ya utegemezi na anayejitakia afya njema hung'amua mapema dalili za uhusiano unaomtesa na kufanya uamuzi, "Sina furaha na uhusiano huu…. Ni vyema nikajitoa na kutafuta ustaarabu mwingine." Anaweza kujisemea. Tofauti na mtu wenye utegemezi wa kihisia ambaye huogopa sana kuwa mpweke, na hivyo kung'ang'ania uhusiano unaomtesa. Inashangaza sana. Mtu uzaliwe kwenu, ulelewe kwenu, ukue kwa umri na kimo hadi kuvunja ungo ukiwa kwenu, usomeshwe na wazazi wako na kujimudu kujitegemea, lakini leo hii mtu uliyekutana naye ukubwani afikie hatua ya kukutesa….! Ni mwendawazimu pekee anayeweza kukubali ujinga hao


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    Unamuwaza sana pale anapokuwa mbali nawe…!

    Kama wewe ni tegemezi wa kihisia, basi utakuwa ni mtu unayetumia muda mwingi sana kuwaza juu ya uhusiano wenu unapokuwa mbali na mwenzi wako. Unaweza kujikuta ukijiuliza mara kwa mara kama mwenzi wako anaufurahia uhusiano wenu, au kama bado anakupenda. Ni kweli kwamba ni vigumu kuepuka mawazo ya aina hiyo, lakini wakati unapojiwa na mawazo ya aina hiyo hutakiwi kujenga hofu na kujikuta ukishindwa kuwajibika kazini kwako au unashindwa kushiriki mijadala unapokuwa na marafiki zako kutokana kutumia muda mwingi kuwaza juu ya uhusiano wako na mwenzi wako… kuwaza hivyo mara kwa mara kunaweza kukufanya ukashindwa kufurahia maisha ukiwa pake yako pale mwenzi wako anapokuwa hayupo. Hutakiwi kuwa na hofu kuhusiana na uhusiano wako na mwenzi wako.
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    Unashindwa kufurahia pale mnapohudhuria sherehe…

    Kwa kawaida unatakiwa kufurahi pale unapohudhuria sherehe fulani inayokuhusu ulioalikwa na kwenda na mwenzi wako bila kujali kama mwenzi wako anafurahi au la. Wanawake wenye utegemezi wa kihisia wanapohudhuria sherehe na wenzi wao mara nyingi hupenda kutupa macho mara kwa mara kwa wenzi wao na kukagua kama wanafurahia kuwepo katika eneo lile. Kuna wakati mwanamke anaweza kuwa anacheza mziki akiwa amejichanganya na watu wengine, lakini muda mwingi anatupa macho kwa mwenzi wake kukagua kama anamchukuliaje anavyocheza…. kamwe hawezi kufurahia sherehe…. Hali hiyo inaweza kujitokeza hata wanapokuwa baa wakinywa na marafiki. Anaweza kuwa anaongea na mmoja marafiki waliokaa meza moja, lakini akawa na hofu kama mwenzi wake atamuonaje…. Kama ukijikuta una dalili za aina hii, basi jua wewe una tatizo la utegemezi wa kihisia (codependency tendencies). Mtu mwenye uhusiano bora na imara hawezi kuwa na hofu za kijinga kiasi hicho.
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    Unakubali kunyanyasika….

    Kunyanyasika katika uhusiano ni jambo lisilokubalika kamwe. Kama uko kwenye uhusiano na unakubali kunyanyasika, iwe ni kwa kupigwa au kwa kashfa na matusi basi utakuwa na tatizo hilo la utegemezi. Mwanaume anajaribu kukuthibiti kwa kila ufanyalo, au anafikia hatua ya kukutia ngeu…. Na unatafuta namna ya kutetea kunyanyaswa huko ili kuwafanya watu waliokuzunguka wasijue kinachoendelea basi huo utakuwa ni uwendawazimu. Mtu mwenye utegemezi wa kihisia anakubali kila aina ya unyanyasaji ili kulinda uhusiano usivunjike
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    Anakubadili atakavyo na wewe unakubali….


    Si vibaya kupenda vile vitu anavyopenda mwenzi wako, mfano kupenda mpira, kupenda mitoko ya mara kwa mara au kupenda kuogelea ufukweni. Lakini je, umeshwahi kusikia msemo usemao, "uhusiano wa kinyonga?" huu ni ule uhusiano ambao mmoja huchukua kila tabia aliyo nayo mwenzi wake, anajitahidi kuvaa nguo zinazonana na za mwenzi wake na kupenda aina ya starehe anazopenda mwenzi wake. Mziki wa aina moja, matamasha ya aina moja, na kujikuta unapoteza utambulisho wako. Hapa unakuwa sio wewe tena bali unabeba utambulisho wa mwenzi wako…. Kama unakubali kubadilika kwa kuiga kila kitu anachofanya mwenzi wako ili ufanane naye kwa kila hali, basi utakuwa una matatizo makubwa sana ya utegemezi wa kihisia……
     
  2. N

    Neylu JF-Expert Member

    #2
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Dah...! Ngoja nitafakari kwanza, yaelekea nami nina utegemezi wa kihisia ila nilikuwa sifahamu!! Asante Mkuu kwa darasa..
     
  3. Mtambuzi

    Mtambuzi Platinum Member

    #3
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Nimeamua sasa kutoa dozi kwa wapenzi na wanandoa......stay tune
     
  4. King'asti

    King'asti JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Way to go mshua! Nina bahati kuwa na baba strong kama wewe!
    Kweli tupu, ni ku-move on kwa hatua za half-running!

    Nikienda abroad nitakuletea kiko
     
  5. N

    Neylu JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Aisee nashukuru sana Baba Ngina, ki ukweli ninajifunza mambo mengi sana kupitia thread zako..! Endelea kutupa shule..
     
  6. mansakankanmusa

    mansakankanmusa JF-Expert Member

    #6
    Sep 9, 2012
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    currently 9 users browsing this thread. (6 members and 3 guestshizi mada hizi mimi pendaga sana
     
  7. Kiranga

    Kiranga JF-Expert Member

    #7
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    Mapenzi = Utegemezi= Kujipendekeza.

    Huwezi kutenganisha haya, utataka kufanya biashara badala ya mapenzi.

    Suala si kukataa kujipendekeza au kuwa tegemezi.

    Suala ni kutafuta mtu anayekufaa kiasi kwamba hata ukijipendekeza kwake na kuwa tegemezi kwake nyote mtafurahi.
     
  8. Catherine

    Catherine JF-Expert Member

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    Utegemezi wa hisia pia ni mzuri ila usizidishe.
     
  9. mansakankanmusa

    mansakankanmusa JF-Expert Member

    #9
    Sep 9, 2012
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    mabinti wenye asili ya kiamerika weusi wazuri sana
     
  10. Mtambuzi

    Mtambuzi Platinum Member

    #10
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Na ndio maana tangu mkiwa wadogo nilikuwa nawakuza kwa hekma na busara ili kuwaepusha na msongo wa mawazo katika ndoa zenu.....

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  11. Catherine

    Catherine JF-Expert Member

    #11
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    hiyo ni dalili kuwa umejipendekeza kwa Mtambuzi kupita kiasi. Lol
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  12. Ennie

    Ennie JF-Expert Member

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    Sep 9, 2012
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    Waiting for more.
     
  13. SnowBall

    SnowBall JF-Expert Member

    #13
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Mkuu Mtambuzi wakati mwingine naona kwenye mahusiano ni lazima kuwepo na 'kufanana kihisia' ili maisha yaende..
    Napata taabu kuinyambulisha hii concept ya 'codependency' kwenye mapenzi na mahusiano..
    Mfano..ukiangalia mafundisho mengi yanamtaja mwanamume kama kichwa cha familia na kwa mtindo huu anawekwa kama role model wa familia. Kwa mazingira haya ni rahisi sana mwanamke kuishi kwa kuangalia nini anataka mumewe.
    Sasa hapa ndio napata taabu jinsi mwanamke huyu aweza kuishi na mwenziye bila kujiona kama ni mateka kihisia,kimahaba na kivitendo..
     
  14. Mtambuzi

    Mtambuzi Platinum Member

    #14
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Si vibaya kwa mtoto kujipendekeza kwa babaye.... lione wivu tu....LOL
     
  15. BAK

    BAK JF-Expert Member

    #15
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Nakubaliana nawe kabisa Mkuu Kiranga. Ni kweli kwamba ukipata bahati ya kuwa na mpenzi ambaye mnapendana sana lolote lile linalotokea ndani ya mapenzi yenu ikiwemo kujipendekeza na utegemezi kamwe hayawezi kuwa tishio la mapenzi yenu. Yote haya mtayafurahi. Usipojipendekeza kwa mpenzi wako ukajipendekeze kwa nani tena?


     
  16. King'asti

    King'asti JF-Expert Member

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    Aaah wapi, wivu tu unakusumbua.
    hata yeye babangu anajua akileta za kuleta nampa cold shoulder. Katufundisha kuwa na hisia huru, kuna siku aliniudhi nikataka kumpa talaka mahakamani wakasema siwezi kumtaliki baba yangu. Tukarudisha kesi home, mama akaimaliza.
     
  17. Mtambuzi

    Mtambuzi Platinum Member

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    Nahisi kama hujaelewa nilichoandika............... hebu rudia kusoma tena mkuu
     
  18. Catherine

    Catherine JF-Expert Member

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    pia hakuna ubaya kujipendekeza kwa mpenzi wako. Wivu sina ila roho inauma. Lol
     
  19. Catherine

    Catherine JF-Expert Member

    #19
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    hapa mtambuzi kala hasara! Lol. Mi nataka nikuuzi king'asti unipe talaka.
     
  20. SnowBall

    SnowBall JF-Expert Member

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    Hebu ngoja nirudie tena mkuu..si unajua leo weekend!
     
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