Dismiss Notice
You are browsing this site as a guest. It takes 2 minutes to CREATE AN ACCOUNT and less than 1 minute to LOGIN

Confused, please help

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by kamtu, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. k

    kamtu Member

    #1
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Mar 12, 2008
    Messages: 52
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Inakuwaje unapokuwa na mume mjeuri ambaye hataki kutoa matumizi ndani ya nyumba kisa tu sababu umemzoeza kutomwomba pesa mara kwa mara sasa anadhani you can manage yourself all household expenses, na si kwamba hana pesa ana kipato kizuri tu kuzidi mkewe. Eti sababu mkewe ana kazi yeye anasema household expenses atoe mwanamke yeye atafanya other things which by the way hazipo coz hajengi, hajanunua gari wala hana mtoto wa kumsomesha coz mtoto bado ni mdogo sana, pia si kwamba anategemewa na familia yake coz wazazi wote wana kazi na wanajiweza. Hata mavazi na mapambo mkewe hujitegemea na hata most of the things ndani ya nyumba vimenunuliwa na mkewe, yani hata mtoto jamaa hata nguo moja hajawahi kununua. Sasa kwenye kasheshe kama hii ambayo kimsingi inamsumbua huyu mwanamke hajui afanye nini kwenye hali kama hii coz jamaa ni expert wa ubishi inakuwaje? Wataalamu hii ni aina gani ya tabia? Or is it right for him to do that? Najua cost sharing ni sawa kabisa, lakini inakuwaje pale mwanamke anapoachiwa afanye kila kila kitu wakati mumewe hakuna anachofanya wala hasemi kama anasave pesa ni kwa ajili ya plani gani? Je ndoa inaweza kushamiri kwenye mazingira ya aina hii ambayo kuna hard feelings kwa mtu anayedhani its not fair at all? jE solution ni nini kwenye hali kama hii? Hali hii inapelekea hata mapenzi kupungua coz wanawake pia wanaongoza kwa kupenda kuona wanajaliwa na wako protected, does it mean mtu wa aina hii hana mapenzi kwa mkewe? ni selfish au mnyonyaji, au nini, its realy confusing jamani, please help
     
  2. Shy

    Shy JF-Expert Member

    #2
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Nov 2, 2006
    Messages: 4,238
    Likes Received: 17
    Trophy Points: 0
    Kuna Tatizo Hapo Kwanini Mume Anakuwa Hivyo Njia Sahihi Ni Wenyewe Wapenzi Wakae Waongee Watu Wa Nje Ni Sana Kuingilia Na Kujua Matatizo Ya Ndani Ya Nyumba Ya Mtu

    Pia Wana Wake Msiwe Tegemezi Sana Bwana Kwanini Mwanamke Umtegemee Mwanaume Wako Katika Duni Aya Sasa ? Je Kesho Akiamua Kukuacha Ina Maana Hautaweza Kujikimu Kimaisha Na Kufanya Mambo Mengine ?
     
  3. k

    kamtu Member

    #3
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Mar 12, 2008
    Messages: 52
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    please try to understand before you say anything. Imeelezwa wazi kwamba kimsingi the woman is doing all she can for the house but it has reached a point the man doesnt feel responsible for anything, ina maana ni haki yeye kuacha kabisa kusaidia kwa kigezo kuwa wanawake wasiwe tegemezi? she is independent in the first place and thats why shes been doing all these herself, does that give the man any right to be like that? I am puting this here because i know this issue n the way it started and all i ask is why that has happened,is that right, what can that woman do to cope or to correct the situation coz it affects the relationship.
     
  4. BiMkubwa

    BiMkubwa JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Jan 9, 2007
    Messages: 530
    Likes Received: 5
    Trophy Points: 35
    Shy, you are making judgements that do not necessarily apply to this lady's situation na hapa wala husaidii chochote unatoa lawama. This lady is asking for guidance/counselling. Please do that!
     
  5. BiMkubwa

    BiMkubwa JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Jan 9, 2007
    Messages: 530
    Likes Received: 5
    Trophy Points: 35
    Kamtu, Kwanza hongera you are first of all a strong woman, keep your head high. Sitaki kusema ulianza kwenye wrong footing kwa kuwa sifahamu mahusiano yalivyokuwa hapo mwanzoni. ila kwa maelezo machache kuna uwezekano wa scenarios hizi 4
    1. Mumeo anafanya makusudi akukomoe maana anaona ukaaji kimya wako wa kutokumwomba pesa za matumizi hapo mwanzoni ni ujeuri, yaani unajifanya unazo pesa. Na akaamua kuwa mjeuri aone mwisho wako na bahati mbaya ujeuri huo umekomaa sasa imekuwa tabia

    2. Hamkuwahi kuzungumza vema ktk mahusiano yenu ya awali ya u-boyfriend na u-girlfriend kuwa nani atabeba majukumu ya aina gani. Wote mli-assume yata-work out in the long run, which is a mistake many make.

    3. Anatumia mazoea yake aliyokulia kwenye familia ya wazazi wake. Ambayo mimi ninaona si vema maana wewe ni mtu tofauti na mama yake na yeye siyo baba yake. Jaribu kuangalia hilo pia.

    4. He is just plain selfish.je marafiki na ndugu wakimuomba msaada anatoa au hatoi? Kama hatoi when he can help then he is selfish.Katika mazungumzo yake huwa anaongelea kusaidia ndugu na marafiki na anaonekana yuko concerned na welfare ya watu wengine? If he is not concerned with the welfare of people close to him he is plain selfish

    Ushauri wangu nitakupa ukinipa jibu ktk scenarios hizo ni ipi ila pia look for the best time he is vulnerable to talking to you and listens and let him know what is bothering you and how he can help solve the situation.
    MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE. Huwezi kuwa the giver all the time na ukawa na furaha lazima utajisikia kuwa you are being cheated on.
     
  6. M

    MkamaP JF-Expert Member

    #6
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Jan 27, 2007
    Messages: 6,474
    Likes Received: 469
    Trophy Points: 180
    wanaume wezangu wa namna hii bwana.Ni madikteta wanahitaji kukalishwa kitako na kuambiwa ukweli.

    Hata hivyo ni jambo jema wakae ama kushirikisha jamaa na ndugu ili wote wagawane majukumu ya kutekeleza ktk familia yao.

    Na kama jamaa bado mbishi kama kawaida yake basi aende kwenye cyombo vya sheria ili kila mwisho wa mwezi huyu jamaa lazima aingize kiwango fulani cha fedha.

    Hata hivyo mimi nafikiri bado kuna umuhimu serikali kuweka sheria kali ktk domains hizi,mfano mwanaume yeyote anayetia mimba msichana awe amesingiziwa ama la inabidi atoe fedha tuseme elfu 40 kila mwezi mpaka pale itapochukuliwa DNA na ikithibitisha ni yeye basi ataendelea kutoa mpaka mtoto atakapotimiza miaka 18.Ikitokea si yeye basi mwanamke yule si makini inabidi arudishe gharama zote na faini juu.
     
  7. K

    Kipanga JF-Expert Member

    #7
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Apr 24, 2008
    Messages: 680
    Likes Received: 4
    Trophy Points: 0
    Excellent Bimkubwa...and to add on what u've poited out as the 4 scenarios nina mashaka na kiwango cha mawasiliano as well as kiwango cha mapenzi kama sio upendo kwa hii couple...Uzoefu unaonyesha ndoa nyingi kama sio mahusiano mengi zinatatizwa na kutokuwepo kwa mawasiliano kabisa kati ya wapenzi (mke & mume ) au kiwango kidogo kabisa cha mawasiliano. Na tutake tusitake kutokuwasiliana kati ya wapenzi hupelekea kuibuka kwa matatizo mengi. Ukifatilia kwa karibu utaona ndoa nyingi hazina hata plan za familia yao in 5 years to come, e.g wengi ukiwauliza kuwa katika kipindi cha miaka 5 ijao inatarajia kuwa na estment za thamani gani au kuwa level gani ya maendeleo sina shaka hutapa jibu la maana na ukichunguza utagundua kuwa hawa watu hawazungumzi miongoni mwao nini wafanye kwa manufaa ya familia yao. So unakuta kila mtu amekaa kimtego mtego na si kwamba hawajui wajibu wao ila tu ni kuonyeshana nani zaidi.

    Nachelea kusema kuwa with reference na case ya kamtu yumkini hiyo ndoa ikafika May Mosi next year kama mume hata nguo ya mtoto hajawahi kununua then the guy has serious problem (s.

    But again, dada vunja ukimya na kama unawoga fulani tafuna jongoo (vaa ujasiri) jenga mazingira ya kumueleza hali halisi in a very friendly way. Tatizo baadhi ya wanaume wa wakibongo tumelelewa katika hali ya kuamini mfumo dume hata sehemu ambazo hau-apply which is wrong na tunashindwa kuwa na psychology ya kuji-tune accordingly..

    Finally, lisipofanikiwa hili la kuzungumza nae direct, take your time there must be something horrible going on.. watu siku hizi wanaoa kama mtu amepaki gari PPF tower then analiacha hapo anaenda kwenye mambo yake Home affairs ana-assume ni lake atalikuta tu they don't care.. sasa sitashangaa iwapo hiki kidume kikawa na mahali pa kutoa hizo pesa na starehe nyingine ingawa hili halijagusiwa humo but nina uhakika litakuwa ana impact. Kwani akili ya binadamu ikiwa-disturb na jambo dogo inaathiri mambo mengi... Ikishindikana then yuo better think of a best and permanent solution YOU CAN LEAVE HIM na uangalie maisha mengine vinginevyo utaugua hata ambavyo hukustahili kuugua. Mambo ya namvumilia sababu ya mwanangu yamepitwa na wakati..
     
  8. k

    kamtu Member

    #8
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Mar 12, 2008
    Messages: 52
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Thanks for understanding bi mkubwa. Ukweli ni kwamba mwanzoni hakuwa hivyo may be ni kwa sababu hakuzoezwa kuombwa pesa kila wakati, na kusema anakomoa sidhani coz hana sababu ya kufanya hivyo, i guess its pure makusudi.
    2. its true makubaliano ya nani atabeba majukumu gani hayakuwepo
    3. Sidhani pia kama ni mazoea kwamba kwao alikuwa anafanyiwa mambo yote as far as i know coz ilibidi nifanye uchunguzi kidogo he was raised to be responsible na si mtu wa kuomba pesa nyumbani kabisa
    4. ni mtu mwepesi sana kumkopesha mtu pesa akimwomba na pia hawezi kudai, kwao japokuwa wazazi hawana shida ya pesa wala uhitaji wowote am sure of this lakini anaweza kuamua kutoa pesa ikafanya mambo makubwa tu kama kukarabati nyumba, kulipia fees ya wadogo zake sijui ili aonekane ana mchango kwenye familia au vipi, mtu akiwa na shida hutoa pesa. Hiki ndo kinachanganya zaidi kwa nin i yuko concerned na mabo ya watu lakini kwake siku zote anakuwa out of reach, thats why mi naona ni ujeuri na makusudi. Something i must confess ni kwamba he is very much sure that the woman he has can not fail in anything, that she doesnt need help, thats why all this are happening may be. He is also complaining constatly kwamba everyone is on his neck needing help, and that he also have other things to do. Sasa who hasnt other things to do? He'd rather help others than at home,
     
  9. k

    kamtu Member

    #9
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Mar 12, 2008
    Messages: 52
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Kusema ana mahali anapotoa pesa yani nyumba ndogo sidhani coz this was the first thing i investigated, no he has no affair. I THINK NI AINA FULANI YA TABIA YA UBAHILI AMBAYO sijui niiteje,pia aina ya wanaume ambao ni academician type nafikiri wana shida flani na social life kuna ile tabia ya kudhani vitu vingine si important, we can do without them, yani disagreement ni kubwa.
     
  10. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

    #10
    Apr 29, 2008
    Joined: Jan 11, 2007
    Messages: 12,703
    Likes Received: 92
    Trophy Points: 145
    Spot on!
    Thumbs up Bi Mkubwa kwa majibu yako ya Busara!
     
  11. BiMkubwa

    BiMkubwa JF-Expert Member

    #11
    Apr 30, 2008
    Joined: Jan 9, 2007
    Messages: 530
    Likes Received: 5
    Trophy Points: 35
    Kamtu, Now I can tell what type of person he is and probably how you can make him more responsible.
    Kwanza kabisa, kwa unagaubaga, ninaona yeye ni mtu ambaye mwenye achievement nzuri na anahitaji kuishi kufuatana na mafanikio aliyonayo machoni pa watu. Hilo ninaona ndio tatizo lake kubwa. Kama yuko tayari kuwapa watu wengine usaidizi tena kwa wepesi kubwa basi ni dhahiri hapo mwanzoni alitaka kujijengea jina. Ndio maana sasa analalamika kuwa watu wanamlemea baada ya gundua hilo ila sasa anatatizwa maana anahitaji ku-keep the same image. Mimi binafsi ninaona hili kuwa ni faraja kwako maana anaanza kugundua kuwa he is being used by people.

    Ushauri wangu akilalamika hivyo tena utumie fursa hiyo kwa mapenzi makubwa kumuelewesha kwa nini hali hiyo inajitokeza na wewe inavyokuathiri. Ukifanya hivyo kwa ugomvi, my dear, you will get no where. Mueleweshe kuwa his first responsibility is his family na unahitaji mufanye makubaliano ni namna gani mtakavyoweza kupeana majukumu.

    Kukuachia wewe jukumu la household requirements ni kukuumiza because that is his first and foremost duty. Kuhakikisha familia yake inapata kula na kuvishwa. Naomba pia ukumbuke kuwa hapo mwanzo ulikuwa unabeba majukumu hayo, usiamue kumtupia majukumu yote ila mukae muzigawane upya na kila baada ya muda muyazungumzie ili na yeye aone kuwa mafanikio yanayopatikana kutokana na kitendo chake kujihusisha.

    Usitumie hili tatizo kuwa chanzo cha ugomvi, ni ngumu ila kaza buti. Wala usitumie maneno ya kebehi. This is a test of your spirit but remember you can always over come problems.

     
  12. k

    kamtu Member

    #12
    Apr 30, 2008
    Joined: Mar 12, 2008
    Messages: 52
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Bi mkubwa once again nimekusoma, i will try what you suggested and see if the situation gets any better
     
  13. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

    #13
    Apr 30, 2008
    Joined: Jan 11, 2007
    Messages: 12,703
    Likes Received: 92
    Trophy Points: 145
    ...Naamini kwa Mbinu hizi hizi alizotushauri Bi Mkubwa pia zinafaa ku deal na Mke mwenye tabia hizo hizo, ambaye linapokuja suala la matumizi ndani ya nyumba anakwambia, " weye si ndio mwanaume na Baba mwenye nyumba, umenioa na unatakiwa kunihudumia kwa kila kitu!"

    Jamani Ndoa ama kweli ndoana! Kamtu pole, Effective Communication ndio silaha ya mwisho kwenye maisha ya ndoa, kama hamna masikilizano ndugu yangu hata ukimfunga kengele, Mume/Mume mjeuri kwa tabia kwa kweli kuishi naye kazi.

    Wish you the best.
     
  14. C

    CHAUMBEYA Member

    #14
    Jun 5, 2008
    Joined: Nov 15, 2007
    Messages: 69
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    MMMh jamani hivi nilukuwa wapi wakati mada hii inajadiliwa?

    Naomba nichangie kidogo. Hivi kuna aliyefikiria labda mwanamke anaweza kuwa ndiye mwenye kasoro? hebu tujaribu kumuuliza kamtu atueleze yeye anafikiri anaweza kufanya nini?

    ni kipi atavolunteer kukifanya kurekebisha hali na update za toka mada zilipojadiliwa mara ya mwisho.
     
  15. NaimaOmari

    NaimaOmari JF-Expert Member

    #15
    Jun 5, 2008
    Joined: Sep 25, 2007
    Messages: 807
    Likes Received: 14
    Trophy Points: 0
    Nadhani huyu bwana ni mfujaji nambari wani .... this woman adai talaka ... kwani this man akipata mwanamke wa nje akawa hayuko tayari kukanyangwa kama huyu dada basi pesa zote zitaenda kule.

    Stand up for yourself women ... siyo lazima usikiye kingora kwanza ... isitoshe ni bado alfajiri maana ndoa haina sikunyingi hiyo ... atakunyonya mwisho utaonekana kama bibi yake mzaa mama kwakuhangaika

    End it now.
     
  16. H

    Haika JF-Expert Member

    #16
    Jun 5, 2008
    Joined: Mar 3, 2008
    Messages: 2,241
    Likes Received: 20
    Trophy Points: 135
    Chaumbeya, hata mimi naona wazo lako pia lawezekana,
    Unajua sisi kina dada cost sharing inatuchangaya sana. Tukiwa na chochote basi tutataka kurekebisha kila upande, mi naona baba nanihii amechanganyikiwa akaamua kutuliza boli na kuangalia mwisho uko wapi, Mamaa kajistrechii weeee, sasa anaanza kulalamika, typical of modern marriages, women wants power, when they get it they complain, too much on their shoulders.
    USHAURI: mama ishi maisha yaliyo kiwango cha mumeo, pangeni pamoja matumizi, making sure kila mtu yuko comfortable na solution, hasa the most vulnerable (kwa sasa ni mume)
    otherwise mamaa omba talaka, kabla mtoto hajakua akaona mnavyotwangana na kutukanana hadharani.
    Wanawake bwana, ukipata kamkopo kazini utangangania kununua gari, labda, halafu utajishebedua nalo mtaani, bila kujali mumeo anajisikiaje, unadhani anakuona mke mchacharikaji kumbe anakutaimu tuu, na lazima utachoka na kuanza kunununa.
    Unadhani kama unajinunulia nguo mpya kila mwezi tatu, mumeo akununulie ingine ya nini? kwa upande wake zinatosha kabisa, kama watoto wamejaza manguo hata yanakuwa madogo bado mapya, anunue ingine ya nini?
     
  17. Mfamaji

    Mfamaji JF-Expert Member

    #17
    Jun 5, 2008
    Joined: Nov 6, 2007
    Messages: 6,315
    Likes Received: 397
    Trophy Points: 180
    Wewe mwambie tu umeshindwa kuendelea kununua mahitaji ya nyumbani atakuelewa. Naamini hujamwambia. Halafu mweleze pia mshahara wako ni kiasi gani maana najua wake unaufahamu. Halafu chunguza kama ana mapango wa kununua kiwanja au la .Je mmepanga ? Nani analipa kodi na ni kiasi gani? Ukiona ana mpango wa kununua kiwanja , na analipa kodi ya nyumba mnayoishi ufikirie jinsi ya kumwambia maana anaweza kuahirisha baadhi ya mipango hiyo ikawa sio faida. una uwezo wa kulinganisha mpango alio nao na mshahara wake. Atasevu miaka mingapi kuzipata ili kutimiza mpango mmoja n.k

    Lakini iwapo wewe ndio unanua chakula , kodi ya nyumba , dawa za mtoto , zako na yeye, bili za umeme na maji , kuhudumia wageni wenu , hana mapango wa kujenga ,kunua gari nk kama ulivyosema hatoi kitu, basi yeye atakuwa amehamia kwako na hana kitu . Na kama anazo sio zako. He is about to scrap ya.
     
  18. D

    Darling Member

    #18
    Jun 6, 2008
    Joined: Jul 30, 2007
    Messages: 69
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Naomba mwanaume anayejua responsibilities as a men hata kama mkewe ana pesa amsaidie huyo dada.
     
  19. LazyDog

    LazyDog JF-Expert Member

    #19
    Jun 6, 2008
    Joined: Apr 10, 2008
    Messages: 2,479
    Likes Received: 8
    Trophy Points: 135
    Shukrani kwa waliochangia hasa Bimkubwa, kwa ushauri mzuri na jinsi mlivyomudu kuweka mambo kwenye mstari.

    Nimeona neno TALAKA nikaona haitakuwa vyema kutochangia.
    Kwenye issue kama hii ya kusuluhisha matatizo ya wapenzi au wana ndoa, sio busara kufanya any attempts kushawishi au kuwatenganisha wapendanao. Hata kama umeona kwamba suluhu ni bora watengane, usifanye hivyo. Wao wenyewe waamue kufikia uamuzi kama huo wa kutengana. Ukipenda waelimishe kuhusu matokeo ya kutengana.

    Nashauri msifanye assumptions nyingi, ni vyema kwanza tukapata feedback toka kwa kamtu.

    Niongezee kidogo kuhusu swala la saving pamoja na miradi ya maendeleo kama wachangiaji wengine waliotangulia kusema.
    Kamtu kwenye majadiliano yenu katika hili wekeni bajeti yenu kwenye maandishi ili iwe dira yenu. Sisitiza sana kuhusu kufanya savings kwa ajili ya kazi maalumu kama ujenzi. Msaidie mumeo aweze kufanikisha miradi yote ambayo anayo kichwana. Wekeni hayo kwenye maandishi pia.
    Ni vizuri ukamwacha yeye kwanza atoe hizo idea za miradi.
    Picha niliyopata ni kwamba huyo mume itamchukua muda mwingi sana kujenga nyumba, pengine asijenge kabisa japo ana nia. Ndio maana nimeona ni vizuri mkaandika mipango yenu yote inayohusu fedha.

    Ili asikombe hela kupeleka kusaidia ndugu na jamaa, kwenye bajeti yenu msisahau kutenga fungu kwa ajili hii. Kwake yeye ni muhimu kusaidi jamaa (zake na jamaa yako pia nadhani).

    Kumbuka kwamba wewe ni msaidizi wake, usikae pembeni. Anaweza akawa mgumu kupokea ushauri wako mnapozungumza ana kwa ana, hata hivyo naamini baadae atazingatia maoni yako. Tena huenda asikuambie mafanikio yaliyotokana na ushauri wako, kwa hiyo usije baadae ukatoa kauli kama "si nilikuambia!".

    WISH YOU ALL THE BEST


    .
     
  20. R

    ROSEMIRIAM NGARA Member

    #20
    Dec 14, 2014
    Joined: Dec 11, 2014
    Messages: 14
    Likes Received: 0
    Trophy Points: 0
    Huyo Ni Wakiume C Mwanaume
     
Loading...