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Common Sense: Why stay in a bad marriage?

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by JOHN MADIBA, Jun 29, 2011.


    JOHN MADIBA JF-Expert Member

    Jun 29, 2011
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    Have you ever wondered why someone would be so lonely, sad and empty courtesy of a marriage that turned out to be far from what they dreamt of? Have you ever questioned why we don’t pull the plug when all the signs indicate doom?

    You find a lady whose husband is a serial adulterer, a lousy father and a wife beater, but she’s counting 10 years in that tasteless marriage whose only joy are the children and the occasional coffee dates with her friends who share a similar fate. Those coffee dates act as so-called “therapy sessions” where the ladies reassure each other of how things will get better and how God has a plan for every situation including the one they are in.

    Without sounding haughty, why tolerate such a situation? More than a decade and we are still sharing a bed with an animal of a human being? How can we allow for our soul, confidence, future, dreams, health, and above all integrity be broken by a situation that if only we were a courageous bunch, would have been rectified ages ago?

    Here are the reasons why many-including men fear to take that fall despite being in such lousy marriages: cultural reasons, the-“what will my grandfather and the head of my Enkima clan think of me,” kind. Then we have financial reasons, “Where do I start from? I don’t even have a penny on me,” kind. Others voice religious reasons, the likes of “But God and the bible states it clearly that once put together, no man can reverse that.”

    For others, believe it or not, its love reasons, the likes of “What can I do I love him so much especially when he’s sensitive to me!” Sigh. Others state “I already have children with him,” as a reason to stay around.

    For a European from Norway, they would be puzzled out of their minds wondering why one would stay in a battered marriage for the sake of a clan head. It just doesn’t make sense at all. But for an African, that’s no joke, that’s reality. And going against what defines our society is equated to an abomination of sorts by many.

    Whereas I acknowledge the validity of all the reasons that people have for fearing to bungee jump out of such annoying marriages, what I don’t get is the fear factor. If the bad outweighs the good for such a long time that you have been married, isn’t it logical that you find other alternatives? If “the children” were the reason you have stuck around, (which I must say is quite a noble and selfless reason to stay), don’t you think your sadness in your marriage will rub onto your children, in the end making them unintentionally suffer like the way you suffer too?

    Here you are, moody, sad and unhappy every day, how then will you raise your children in such a tense loveless and angry environment? Don’t you think the children will be impacted more deeply since they don’t have the levels of emotional defenses that we adults have? When you are not happy, your spouse is not happy and in turn your children are not happy.
    Don’t you find it ironic that those who marry for money are judged harshly by society yet those who stay in a rubbish marriage because of money and the lifestyle it has given them are not?

    Now here is a secret for your ladies reading this: Do you want to know why your man abuses you non-stop? Because he knows you will not go anywhere. Why does he think you won’t leave? Because you don’t have the money to do so! He knows you can’t have the school fees, rent plus up-keep money, hence you are stuck with him.

    I know it’s hard to start afresh when your job can’t sustain the financial burden that you have inherited courtesy of leaving a stale marriage. It’s like committing financial suicide.

    Questions like, where do I start from will linger in your head. But, without sounding like Pastor Kayanja, resolve and determination can move mountains.

    Even if it means asking, scrapping, searching for a coin in a stack of hay just to find some money to buy food for your daughter, then so be it. Don’t you think you rather do that than sell your soul and happiness for money?

    And this is what I don’t get about this “I’m staying in this marriage because of financial reasons,” thing. Whereas there are many women in villages that are penniless hence the submission to such marriages, many married corporate ladies who command good salaries, opportunities to loans and have well financed friends, somehow stay in these funny marriages also feigning financial reasons! Honestly isn’t that disturbing? You earn quite well, yet you hang onto a man because of money and a lifestyle? What rubbish! How I wish you will tell your children that reason as to why you take the abuse, cheating, lies and beatings. What do you think they will think of you?

    I’m not advocating for divorces. But when they tell you that today’s marriages are characterised by married couples leaving separate lives and cheating on each other, shouldn’t we start at least discussing the unthinkable rather than seeking out or inventing reasons for staying in such madness.

    Should we be doomed to a life of a perpetual state of awful confusion and sadness because you fear to disappoint the head of the Enkima clan?
  2. Rose1980

    Rose1980 JF-Expert Member

    Jun 29, 2011
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    chngereza then ndeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefu...
    ahh wewe nifupishie bas jaman...:A S-baby:
  3. afrodenzi

    afrodenzi Platinum Member

    Jun 29, 2011
    Joined: Nov 1, 2010
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    I'm not gonna read this...
    Sorry ..
    Is too loooong .... ... I'm toooooo lazy right now...
  4. Miaghay

    Miaghay JF-Expert Member

    Jun 29, 2011
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    Sasa unakuta mtu umemkuta na kitu kidogo na mkaaza kutafuta uciku na mchana mpaka mali ikawa nyingi halafu leo anaaza kukutafutia sababu na anakutoa kwenye biashara zake ukae nyumban na tayar umeshapoteza miaka kumi na zaid sasa utaenda wapi?
  5. Mama Brian

    Mama Brian JF-Expert Member

    Jun 29, 2011
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    Teh teh Rose umenichekesha, mie mwenyewe nimeishia njiani, lakini mtoa mada labda hajui lugha yetu naona hata locationa yake inajieleza, lakini bora angesummarize kidogo lo!
  6. Kaunga

    Kaunga JF-Expert Member

    Jun 29, 2011
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    Kweli inauma sana, naamini mchawi aliyetoroga wanawake keshakufa! Mateso wanayopata kina mama wasomi na wenye pesa zao huwezi amini, lkn anavumilia kisa heshima ndani ya jamii, watoto nk!

    Tuendelee kuelimishana, kuna siku tutazinduka tu!