JOHN MADIBA
JF-Expert Member
- Jan 30, 2011
- 251
- 155
Have you ever wondered why someone would be so lonely, sad and empty courtesy of a marriage that turned out to be far from what they dreamt of? Have you ever questioned why we dont pull the plug when all the signs indicate doom?
You find a lady whose husband is a serial adulterer, a lousy father and a wife beater, but shes counting 10 years in that tasteless marriage whose only joy are the children and the occasional coffee dates with her friends who share a similar fate. Those coffee dates act as so-called therapy sessions where the ladies reassure each other of how things will get better and how God has a plan for every situation including the one they are in.
Without sounding haughty, why tolerate such a situation? More than a decade and we are still sharing a bed with an animal of a human being? How can we allow for our soul, confidence, future, dreams, health, and above all integrity be broken by a situation that if only we were a courageous bunch, would have been rectified ages ago?
Here are the reasons why many-including men fear to take that fall despite being in such lousy marriages: cultural reasons, the-what will my grandfather and the head of my Enkima clan think of me, kind. Then we have financial reasons, Where do I start from? I dont even have a penny on me, kind. Others voice religious reasons, the likes of But God and the bible states it clearly that once put together, no man can reverse that.
For others, believe it or not, its love reasons, the likes of What can I do I love him so much especially when hes sensitive to me! Sigh. Others state I already have children with him, as a reason to stay around.
For a European from Norway, they would be puzzled out of their minds wondering why one would stay in a battered marriage for the sake of a clan head. It just doesnt make sense at all. But for an African, thats no joke, thats reality. And going against what defines our society is equated to an abomination of sorts by many.
Whereas I acknowledge the validity of all the reasons that people have for fearing to bungee jump out of such annoying marriages, what I dont get is the fear factor. If the bad outweighs the good for such a long time that you have been married, isnt it logical that you find other alternatives? If the children were the reason you have stuck around, (which I must say is quite a noble and selfless reason to stay), dont you think your sadness in your marriage will rub onto your children, in the end making them unintentionally suffer like the way you suffer too?
Here you are, moody, sad and unhappy every day, how then will you raise your children in such a tense loveless and angry environment? Dont you think the children will be impacted more deeply since they dont have the levels of emotional defenses that we adults have? When you are not happy, your spouse is not happy and in turn your children are not happy.
Dont you find it ironic that those who marry for money are judged harshly by society yet those who stay in a rubbish marriage because of money and the lifestyle it has given them are not?
Now here is a secret for your ladies reading this: Do you want to know why your man abuses you non-stop? Because he knows you will not go anywhere. Why does he think you wont leave? Because you dont have the money to do so! He knows you cant have the school fees, rent plus up-keep money, hence you are stuck with him.
I know its hard to start afresh when your job cant sustain the financial burden that you have inherited courtesy of leaving a stale marriage. Its like committing financial suicide.
Questions like, where do I start from will linger in your head. But, without sounding like Pastor Kayanja, resolve and determination can move mountains.
Even if it means asking, scrapping, searching for a coin in a stack of hay just to find some money to buy food for your daughter, then so be it. Dont you think you rather do that than sell your soul and happiness for money?
And this is what I dont get about this Im staying in this marriage because of financial reasons, thing. Whereas there are many women in villages that are penniless hence the submission to such marriages, many married corporate ladies who command good salaries, opportunities to loans and have well financed friends, somehow stay in these funny marriages also feigning financial reasons! Honestly isnt that disturbing? You earn quite well, yet you hang onto a man because of money and a lifestyle? What rubbish! How I wish you will tell your children that reason as to why you take the abuse, cheating, lies and beatings. What do you think they will think of you?
Im not advocating for divorces. But when they tell you that todays marriages are characterised by married couples leaving separate lives and cheating on each other, shouldnt we start at least discussing the unthinkable rather than seeking out or inventing reasons for staying in such madness.
Should we be doomed to a life of a perpetual state of awful confusion and sadness because you fear to disappoint the head of the Enkima clan?
You find a lady whose husband is a serial adulterer, a lousy father and a wife beater, but shes counting 10 years in that tasteless marriage whose only joy are the children and the occasional coffee dates with her friends who share a similar fate. Those coffee dates act as so-called therapy sessions where the ladies reassure each other of how things will get better and how God has a plan for every situation including the one they are in.
Without sounding haughty, why tolerate such a situation? More than a decade and we are still sharing a bed with an animal of a human being? How can we allow for our soul, confidence, future, dreams, health, and above all integrity be broken by a situation that if only we were a courageous bunch, would have been rectified ages ago?
Here are the reasons why many-including men fear to take that fall despite being in such lousy marriages: cultural reasons, the-what will my grandfather and the head of my Enkima clan think of me, kind. Then we have financial reasons, Where do I start from? I dont even have a penny on me, kind. Others voice religious reasons, the likes of But God and the bible states it clearly that once put together, no man can reverse that.
For others, believe it or not, its love reasons, the likes of What can I do I love him so much especially when hes sensitive to me! Sigh. Others state I already have children with him, as a reason to stay around.
For a European from Norway, they would be puzzled out of their minds wondering why one would stay in a battered marriage for the sake of a clan head. It just doesnt make sense at all. But for an African, thats no joke, thats reality. And going against what defines our society is equated to an abomination of sorts by many.
Whereas I acknowledge the validity of all the reasons that people have for fearing to bungee jump out of such annoying marriages, what I dont get is the fear factor. If the bad outweighs the good for such a long time that you have been married, isnt it logical that you find other alternatives? If the children were the reason you have stuck around, (which I must say is quite a noble and selfless reason to stay), dont you think your sadness in your marriage will rub onto your children, in the end making them unintentionally suffer like the way you suffer too?
Here you are, moody, sad and unhappy every day, how then will you raise your children in such a tense loveless and angry environment? Dont you think the children will be impacted more deeply since they dont have the levels of emotional defenses that we adults have? When you are not happy, your spouse is not happy and in turn your children are not happy.
Dont you find it ironic that those who marry for money are judged harshly by society yet those who stay in a rubbish marriage because of money and the lifestyle it has given them are not?
Now here is a secret for your ladies reading this: Do you want to know why your man abuses you non-stop? Because he knows you will not go anywhere. Why does he think you wont leave? Because you dont have the money to do so! He knows you cant have the school fees, rent plus up-keep money, hence you are stuck with him.
I know its hard to start afresh when your job cant sustain the financial burden that you have inherited courtesy of leaving a stale marriage. Its like committing financial suicide.
Questions like, where do I start from will linger in your head. But, without sounding like Pastor Kayanja, resolve and determination can move mountains.
Even if it means asking, scrapping, searching for a coin in a stack of hay just to find some money to buy food for your daughter, then so be it. Dont you think you rather do that than sell your soul and happiness for money?
And this is what I dont get about this Im staying in this marriage because of financial reasons, thing. Whereas there are many women in villages that are penniless hence the submission to such marriages, many married corporate ladies who command good salaries, opportunities to loans and have well financed friends, somehow stay in these funny marriages also feigning financial reasons! Honestly isnt that disturbing? You earn quite well, yet you hang onto a man because of money and a lifestyle? What rubbish! How I wish you will tell your children that reason as to why you take the abuse, cheating, lies and beatings. What do you think they will think of you?
Im not advocating for divorces. But when they tell you that todays marriages are characterised by married couples leaving separate lives and cheating on each other, shouldnt we start at least discussing the unthinkable rather than seeking out or inventing reasons for staying in such madness.
Should we be doomed to a life of a perpetual state of awful confusion and sadness because you fear to disappoint the head of the Enkima clan?
