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A few laughs for the weekend

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by Freetown, Jan 17, 2009.

  1. Freetown

    Freetown JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Jan 17, 2009
    Joined: Apr 6, 2008
    Messages: 888
    Likes Received: 6
    Trophy Points: 35
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...
    ----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- ---

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- ------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And then the fight started....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

    and then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started ...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...
     
  2. BUSARA6

    BUSARA6 JF-Expert Member

    #2
    Jan 25, 2009
    Joined: Jan 8, 2007
    Messages: 304
    Likes Received: 12
    Trophy Points: 35
    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
    to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
    of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
    was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
    noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
     
  3. BUSARA6

    BUSARA6 JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Jan 25, 2009
    Joined: Jan 8, 2007
    Messages: 304
    Likes Received: 12
    Trophy Points: 35
    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

    Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
    good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and
    decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says


    "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."

    "In bed this early, doing what?"

    "Getting a second opinion!"
     
  4. SMU

    SMU JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Jan 26, 2009
    Joined: Feb 14, 2008
    Messages: 7,008
    Likes Received: 863
    Trophy Points: 280
    A Quality Engineer married an average girl. After two years of tough life with her, finally
    the Engineer got angry and sent a note to a father-in-law stating that:

    “THE PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS”

    to which the smart father-in-law replied:

    “WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE”
     
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